New Year’s Eve 31-12-2022

    I made an appointment with a psychologist, something I never thought I would do.

    But the evening before I went for several tests the doctor had ordered, the Lord implied  they would find nothing physically wrong with me besides my current ailments since my suffering was psychosomatic.

    I then remembered getting struck down so powerfully that I couldn’t get out of bed on November 6 when my beloved,  intercessory, Australian sister, Gladys, left us after a three-month stay.

    For three months, Gladys  loved me with the love of the Lord, blessing me with all she did for us in our home, and with whom I daily worshipped the Lord and prayed – something which my husband and I seldom did together.

    With Gladys gone, it was back to emptiness, to lovelessness, to being alone in worship, praise and prayer to God, all of which hit me like a ton of bricks emotionally, physically and paralyzing me spiritually.

    Of course, having no explanation for it, I assumed this was one of Satan’s attacks on me for having interfered with his plans – having obeyed the Lord by going to the Body of Christ in the nations He had chosen with His message of deep repentance and His warning from the Book of Revelation about what will happen when the 6th angel sounds his shofar – the release of 4 evil spirits that will lead to WWIII. And moreover, what the Holy Spirit had called “Revelation Revealed” – what will happen when the 5 angels who precede the 6th one will sound their shofars.

    I did a week-long fast in sackcloth for a breakthrough, and several brothers and sisters joined me. Yet, I found no relief. I suffered daily heavy oppression, even thinking that a spirit of death had been sent against me because I, Miss Activity, I the No-Quitter, just wanted to lay down and die; to be done with this life and go be with the Lord.

    Day after day, I was beset with extreme weakness and fatigue, hardly able to walk, with a strong cough and a sneeze almost tearing me apart. But above all was that horrid oppression, a deep, deep depression I seemed unable to shake. I could hardly pray but would lift my soul out of this pit with praise and worship music. Nothing lifts my soul up more than worshipping and praising the Lord our God, Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

    I knew, of course, that He knew all about my condition. But He said nothing and ignored my questions. Some counseled and encouraged me with wisdom and much love. Many prayed for me and with me. There was no put-down or judgmental words by anyone – on the contrary – except for a spiritual son of mine, whom I loved and trusted. This was like salt on an open wound.

    I began a 3-day weekly fast starting Wednesdays and finishing Shabbat evenings until this past Thursday when I almost fainted at Daniel’s Deri, trembling violently. A young man behind the counter rushed over with his chair and ran to get me a glass of water which I spilled because my hands were so badly shaking but a woman beside me held the glass and I drank. My weakness was overwhelming, and I got terribly nauseated.

    I had concluded at last that Satan did accuse me to the Father as he had with Job, being ever so mad at me; that God indeed allowed Satan to try me, to prove that all my declarations of love and adoration for God and how He was my everything and my all in all and how I lived only for Him, would topple like a house of cards.

  • He Learned Obedience From What He SUFFERED

    But still, why would Abba allow this to be done to His daughter of 79 years old?

    Once again in my morning devotions, listening to my favorite worship songs, Billy Graham suddenly popped up on my phone with the message, “Why does God allow suffering?” Hmm, I thought, I want to listen to that.

    Graham said that sometimes God allows suffering for the benefit of our soul and spirit – to mature us. Our physical body passes away but our soul and spirit live on forever. The welfare and growth of our soul and spirit are God’s foremost concern, not our body’s welfare. Now, don’t misinterpret me here. God wants us to be in perfect health, yes. But why does God sometimes allow us to suffer?

    Because through it, He works in us to produce more righteousness, more holiness, more unconditional love, unwavering faith, trust and hope in Him.

    And I was reminded of the Word in Hebrews 5:7-10: 7“During the days of Jesus’ life on earth, He offered up prayers and petitions with fervent cries and tears to the One who could save Him from death, and He was heard because of His reverent submission.8 Son though He was, He learned obedience from what He suffered 9 and, once made perfect, He became the source of eternal salvation for all who obey Him 10 and was designated by God to be high priest in the order of Melchizedek.”

    When God made known to me already in Texas certain works He had prepared for me to walk in, He also warned me “to seek His Face for humility lest vainglory overtake me.” (2 Chr. 7:14; Zeph. 2:3; Mic 6:8; Psalm 149:4; Pr 3:34).

    Of course, at that time, just the thought of this made me want to laugh. What vainglory was to overtake me? For what? Fame? Popularity? I had no inkling. But He DID say that.

    Revelation came to me in time through prophecy, especially from three true men of God and three true women of God, always in the presence of witnesses, as well as from a missionary couple to Mexico. And in 2010, confirmation came through an apostolic stranger of God’s great, but totally hidden, call on my life which God also revealed to the sister He has chosen to do the editing of 4 books He gave me to write, yet still unpublished. Nobody else knows of this call, not even my husband.

    I understood now why Satan has tried so many times to kill me and why God has saved me from sure death each and every time.

    Okay, but now, why two long months of suffering? I can hardly do anything. My husband does most of the cooking, and a minimum of cleaning since I keep collapsing, having to sit with my legs elevated, and fight nausea.

  • Every Vessel Is Made Unbreakable By Measured Heat

    While listening to Billy Graham, I finally saw the light. This suffering is a serious testing of my love for God, my faith, trust and hope in Him. Should I get swayed and doubt Him, I would already have lost the war, unable to walk in those works Abba prepared for me from before the foundation of the world. I could not withstand the future time of great honor, celebrity, glory and power, and certainly not endure the slander, lies, and accusations about my shameful life before knowing Yeshua, being put down as a deceiver1. It might become so intense that I would break down in awful labor of soul, overwhelmed by the evil coming against me. Yet this will lead to the fulfillment of my life’s purpose.

    Hence, if I am being tried and trained to remain unshaken and absolutely steadfast in my faith, trust, and hope in God, then this suffering is meant to strengthen, yes, to “steel” me against both “times and seasons,” lest the glory, honor and power overtake me and go to my head as with some of the kings of Judah, and with some present-day big TV evangelists. Such folly would be followed by persecution, shame, terrible slander, with men and women of might and power accusing me falsely, trying to utterly undo me. Unless prepared for both these times and seasons, I would either fall through vainglory, or lose my faith, trust and hope and turn from God.

    Yeshua learned obedience from what He SUFFERED, and He prayed to the Father with loud cries and tears to not let Him perish in a grave but raise Him from the dead, even though He knew that this was the Father’s perfect Will and Purpose for Him.

    Today, Billy Graham’s teaching2 about why God allows suffering has finally opened my eyes to see the reason He is allowing (my) suffering. God has only our (my) best interest at heart, to prepare and steel me for that time to come, so I will not fall nor get broken, but remain steadfast and unshaken in my confession that the LORD Yehova, my God of a triune nature, is my Alpha and Omega: my Aleph and Tav; my A and Z; my absolute everything and all in all; that I live for Him alone, loving, but also fearing, and obeying Him with all my heart, soul, mind and strength.

    This suffering is to produce such absolute steadfastness in me, so I will not be shaken no matter what3 – neither by getting idolized, loved and honored, nor by being hated, despised, judged, rejected, ridiculed and persecuted with lies, slander and false accusations.

    God has prepared this to lead to a glorious end unto His Praise, Glory, Honor, and much thanksgiving and abiding, 100-fold good fruit that satan cannot see as he could not see the triumphant victory and glory that came by way of the cross.

    Oh, how great is God’s wisdom, and are His plans and purposes for those who love, trust and obey Him. How I love His Rhema Word He gave me so many years ago I recorded in my first book:

    Luke 1:45 RSV –  And blessed is she who believed that there would be a fulfilment of what was spoken to her from the Lord.”


    1God made this known to me early on and I recorded it in my first book; I suffered much of the same in my childhood, and wrote of it in my 4th and last book; I also found these things in the Psalms, describing Yeshua’s suffering when growing up like a plant out of dry ground (Isa. 53:1-10).

    2Billy Graham has led millions to Yeshua in his life time as an evangelist, and his teachings – like this on why God allows us to suffer – are true, godly teachings. Having him listed among evangelical celebrities as a Freemason is pure slander in my eyes. No Freemason would do and teach what Graham has done. He has not spoken or taught deceitfully, nor did he enrich himself in God’s service like so many have done and are doing. He did not spend millions of donations on mansions, on a fleet of cars or planes. He was a true man of God, a blessing to mankind, blessed with much insight and understanding, and He glorified Yeshua.

    3The LORD once granted me a vision of something that grieved Him, and was to show me the necessity of applying heat to a newly formed vessel, even repeatedly, measured heat, for a vessel to become unbreakable. The vision was of a path littered with broken vessels, all of them created by Him, the Potter. But they would not allow for the time it took to make them unbreakable. They rushed ahead into their calling while still of insufficient strength. Their calling became too heavy for them to bear, to carry, as it increased in weight. Eventually it broke them. I never forgot the vision of those broken vessels and willingly submitted myself into my Creator’s hands from that time on. It greatly helped me “to learn obedience from what I suffered.”

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